I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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