Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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