I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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