when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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