I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
