Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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