well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
