Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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