my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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