my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
