He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
