We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
