Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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