He is an equal opportunity slut.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
