I am in a vortex of obligation.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
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