You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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