I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
