my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
