does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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