I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
