My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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