Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
