apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
