Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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