the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
