I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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