Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
