I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
