listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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