if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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