Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
