Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
