My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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