I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
