i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
