I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
