I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
i think i just lost a toe
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
