Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
