I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
