I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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