John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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