I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
