I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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