so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
