pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
