Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
