Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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