Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
