Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
