No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
